I'm just going right now. Call it hypomania, call it enlightenment, call it eureka. Whatever...

This entire past week I have been going after something I cannot attain. I just can't (at least right now, at this moment). It can't happen. It is my "grass is greener" mentality. This thing is the Green Pasture. It is the pinnacle of what I seek after. Something that does not come along very often. Although, while going after this, I convince myself that I can attain it.
I sabotage my life. I have done it my entire life and it is pretty flippin comfortable. It is what I know. It is what I do. I desperately go after things thinking it is somehow better than what I currently have, all to have it end up making my life just the way it is, or leaving me in even more pain, even more discontent and even more lonely.
I always think there is someone or something better, that can fulfill me even more (friends, dating, job, location, etc.). Even today, I was romantically thinking about CA again, and how much better it was out there.
When I think about the past, I recall it negatively. Rarely do I dwell on the amazing times in my past. Thank God for music, which unlocks those beautiful memories and emotions I felt as a child and in years past (i.e. Coldplay, melodies in Eternal Sunshine).
In order to keep my usually subconscious, self sabotaging behavior, I remember the "grass is greener" situations in my past, very positively. I equate all the times that I have moved, moved on, burned bridges...ran. I think of them all positively in my head. The reality is that all those times left me just as broken, if not even more broken, than prior to acting.
In doing this, chaos ensues in my life. I become anxious, things don't make sense, I'm exhausted. I create all of this. I do this so that I can sin. I do this so I can have a "valid" and "external" reason to commit the sin that I'm about to commit. I do this to show God and others what a life with Him "really looks like." I do it so I can do it my own way again, because even though I have God in my life, it just has to be better than that. I want my heaven on earth, and that usually comes in the form of a female.
Well, I will never have heaven on earth. I will never be fully content here. I will always long for more. I will always think that it can and could be better than it is. I will always have a propensity for self sabotaging behavior...but I have hope.
I will always be this way. This is life. This is reality. I can rebuke the devil and all his demons of selfishness and rebellion, but I will still be the same. Because I'm a freaking human being.
In the garden, Adam walked with God. Literally walked with Him. Talked about nothing, hung out and relaxed with God; the Being no one else in history has seen with his own eyes. But it just wasn't good enough. Adam was convinced that it could be and even had to be better than what he had. Did satan implant that in him? Definitely not. Satan only encouraged that.
We talk so much about how after the fall, we now have that void that can never be filled. Then how the heck did Adam do that if he didn't have that void? That is the beauty of free will. And it is beautiful. God is saying, here I am. I am literally walking with you, sharing all my thoughts and feelings with you, hearing all you have to say, but since I love you so much, I will allow you to try to have it better than this...
Thank God for that. You know what, life blows. It really does. It sucks. It is hard, it is toilsome, I keep running after things hoping to make me content, but I never am. I work and do the same thing every single day, just so I can maybe get some sleep and do the same damn thing again the next. I desperately seek that person and that thing to finally create heaven on earth. But it never happens.
I now realize how profound the concept of heaven is. After all this toiling, after all this crap, I will appreciate and be in profound awe of God and of heaven itself. I will drop to my knees in shame, and embarrassment, but also in pure contentment and rest. I will because I will finally be there. I will see the dichotomy between heaven and earth, because I have now experienced both. I will now be able to appreciate it. I will finally get it...
Until then, I won't get it, and that is ok. Until then I will continue to want to do things on my own. I will keep going after things to seek that contentment, and I won't get it. And that is ok. I am now becoming conscious and aware of it and will hopefully act less and less. But I will act. But I thank God that I will be able to step back enough to remember the truth. The truth of the past and the truth about what I am doing. I will also realize how awesome God really is. I will realize that He could just take all this away and make me a perfect robot for Him to control. But He doesn't. That is just how amazing He is.

9/11

I praise God for all those who continue to fight, and all those who fell so I can live the way I do...Free. Free to write about God, Free to talk about God, Free to worship my God...

I don't even know how to begin this. I felt I was supposed to write the other night, but I tried to sleep instead. It did not work...
A darkness, now very familiar to me from my past, came over me like a cloak earlier this week. This cloak was of death. Death physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I felt this come on me for about three days.
This meant days of no sleep, days of decreasing sanity and hope. This shook me to the core and exposed how rotten that core still is. On the third day, I believe, I had had enough. Being tempted to end it all, I cursed God. I yelled it at him, "F you, get out of my life."
In tears and in anger, I cursed Him.
These are like words I yelled at Him back in 2006 when I left it all. I could never deny His existence, but I just didn't want Him or His plan for my life...But He brought me back and showed me His goodness.
How did I come to this place yet again? That I don't know. I don't know if it was me that allowed this to happen, but it happened. I am exposed.
I have now repented of those incredibly hateful words I thought I would never repeat again. Words I have even bragged would never come out of my mouth again. I denied Him. I didn't want Him.
I have repented, but I still struggle. I still grapple with letting Him control my life. Today, being hit with another migraine (daily for almost 2 weeks now) with no seeming cause or reason. Today, having only slept 2 nights of the past week, I again struggled with feelings of anger towards God and with wanting to create my own path; as His only seems filled with incredible pain, depression and loneliness.
My core is still exposed. I cannot deny it any longer. I can come up with a million reasons why I have a right to be angry, about how unfair my entire life has been, how every day has been filled with pain. Yet I still sin. I say to the Potter, how dare You give me breath! How dare You mold me this way! How dare You. Remove Your hands for I can do it better!
Lord, forgive me. My core is exposed and rotten.
People, I have lived apart from Him before. Why do I still find it enticing? I keep thinking that a life without Him would be so much easier. I could be in sin, living only for myself, seeking only my happiness and I would finally have peace...IT IS A LIE! I want this lie to be crushed from this day forward.
You know why I can't just now live in sin, living only for myself? Because I have tasted relationship with Him. Perhaps enough alcohol could numb that Truth for awhile, but it is still Truth. Why I continue to run from it, I don't know. Why I allow the lie that a life without Him would be so much better, I don't know. But it is there, and I want it dead.
I don't even know how many people, if any, read these words. I felt I was to write something to this effect and I did. This is reality people. I am not the only person struggling with this. I am one, in this generation, that is getting hit. We are getting hit on a daily basis. We are having all hope stripped away from us. We are having our cores exposed. I praise God for the ones that do not deny Him in this time. I hope to stand up with you soon.
God, have Your way with me and with my life.

I felt very lead to write this before the election and now I feel led to post what I wrote on this blog:

To say that I am fearful about the upcoming election would be a stretch, but I am concerned. As we have all seen, our country is at a very low point. Maybe it has been lower in the past, but I have not been around to see it.

I feel that the country is where it is, not because of Bush, not because of the war, not because of sending jobs overseas. You better believe I think these things played a part, but I feel the main issue is the Godlessness of our society. It has now become incredibly socially acceptable to be spiritual, but you must be “insane” to be a Christian. We, as in our country, as in you and me, have allowed God to become obsolete in this country. We have not allowed God to be a part of our lives as a country, but also in our lives personally. We have not needed Him. Our needs have already been met by other means.

Yes, you may be thinking you have heard this crap over and over before, in every generation and in every election. I honestly feel this time is different. I can only attest to what has been happening in my life, but over the past couple of years (and even in the past 10), I have been shaken up numerous times. I chose to ignore this process and rather “cope” with it by anger, feeling victimized and blaming everything under and above the sun.

Today, I have slowly seen everything I depended on taken away. My job, at times my health, joy, peace, etc. But what I have is joy in the midst of it. I have hope, even though by worldly means I should have none. Do I feel this constantly all the time? No. But I know it is there, I know it is a gift and I know I am being taught to finally practice what I preach and speak—That God is my provider, that He is fully and completely good, that He always has my best interest at heart, that the Holy Spirit is my joy and my hope and that if He can clothe the lily and feed the sparrow, I know He will do beyond that for me.

I believe this country is also getting shaken up. I can slowly see what we have all depended on for security and for peace of mind, being allowed to fall away. For example, the unemployment rate, the dollar, the stock market, etc. Of course, there are fluctuations in all of these and most likely, and hopefully, these will all rebound.

What is the purpose of this? Perhaps to bring repentance, perhaps to rely on God again in a place where we really haven’t needed Him, perhaps something entirely different, or maybe I’m so far off that it has nothing to do with God (I don’t believe that for a second, though). I don’t know for certain, but I think God, at the very least, is asking us to wake up.

I do not claim to be the voice of God. There is an infinite amount of God that I have yet to understand and know. But what I am certain of is that God despises, is deeply saddened and detests and taking of innocent life. Can you imagine forming a soul, mapping out the personality and seeing the purpose and future of your creation, all to have it sent back to you because it was not wanted?

I also know that God has the nation of Israel dear to His heart. I cannot begin to show you just how many times God mentions Israel and how they are His chosen people in the Bible. I know it’s hard for some Christians to even grasp that as many have denounced Jesus as the Christ. But that is irrelevant. What matters is that we stand beside them and protect that which God’s hand also protects.

These above-mentioned paragraphs that I hold as God’s truth, I think play a very large part in where we are as a country today. Is God a punishing, punitive judge just sitting around waiting to pounce? Not at all. Does He allow things to happen that we might hate, want to get through as quickly as possible and that may cause pain? Yes, but our best interest is always in His heart. We may never fully understand the “why” of what happens, but ultimately, we don’t need to. For my God’s thoughts are higher than mine, and His ways will always be higher than mine. I have learned it futile to question and to ask why.

Basically, the point of all of this was to get you to think, perhaps to pray and seek God’s truth for yourself. You may disagree and be angered by every word I have written. As mentioned, I am not he voice of God, but all I know is what I feel He has shown me. More importantly, these words came to me tonight and I want others to see just how important this election is.

I feel there are enormous spiritual implications of this election. I do not think in any way that the two candidates are perfect, but I have never seen so much blatant deception in the eyes and ears of our people. I have never seen such a disregard for the truth and such an apathy to lies. Because of this, I know spiritual forces are at work. It is obvious where the two candidates stand on the issues I have presented, especially on life. I pray for wisdom for us all.

The Whisper

I cannot wait for the day (which as the days pass I am becoming more certain I will see) when Christ descends upon the earth. He will come with full glory and with full power. It is a sight that will induce fear, but also so much joy.
Until that day, God speaks in a whisper. Am I willing to take the time to listen to that? I can feel the Holy Spirit direct my paths at times. I can feel Him telling me what to write and what not to, at times. I can also feel confusion and panic come over me and I know that I have grabbed for control over my life again. But am I willing to sit in silence, grappling with a mind that would seem to never shut off, waiting to hear that faint whisper that may come then, but may come weeks or months down the road? Sadly, many times I am not.
Out of brokenness, I have been blessed to feel and experience God's love and comfort, even if just for a matter of seconds. It was amazing. It produced hope, peace and allowed me to keep moving another day.
But the whisper seemed to stop. The weariness began to come back, but this time without the awesome comfort. But He is still there.
In the midst of the darkness, He is still there. When the intense fear and panic comes, He is still there. When I try to run, He is still guiding me. My God is still here.
Perhaps my desire to take back control of my life has caused distance...perhaps. Perhaps my tongue, my complaining, my fear and lack of trust in Him has caused Him to pull away...perhaps. But maybe this God, who has blessed me with His presence, will also bless me by not being able to feel Him. Perhaps this amazing God wants to go beyond feeling, into a foundation of knowing He is there, even when there is nothing around to suggest He is. Maybe, just maybe, that day will come again where I do hear that whisper. If it never comes again, I will still praise You.

I Kings 19:11-12

Why Me?!

Why me?
For the first time, spoken and thought to God without the connotation of despair. For the first time uttered without feeling denied of more. For the first time said with tears in thanksgiving for the blessing.
Why me? Why am I so privileged as to be sought by God Himself? Why did I get to leave all that was comfortable in order to be comforted by the living God? Why do I get to see so many dreams shattered in the beautiful presence of Jesus Christ?
I don't know. I have no idea. I do not understand. That is the only way to have faith. It is in the lack of understanding that I believe. It is when I can't figure out, when I step out of the fog of confusion, that I know. It is in the place of losing all hope that I finally attain It.
I do not know the end. I do not know where I am going; but I know I am where I am supposed to be.
Praise be to the Living God.

Imagery

Going along with my previous blog, I have gotten this very clear image over and over again in my head.

What I see is this beautiful, ornate vase. This vase is shiny, with beautiful, fluid designs of blue with cream or even pearl next to it. It has two handles reminiscent of calligraphy.
This amazing vessel falls to the ground and shatters.

On the ground are pieces scattered everywhere. There are tiny pieces that would have to be swept up. There are also incredibly small pieces that can't be seen and more than likely, no trace of them will ever be found again.

As with most fragile items when they break, there are two, relatively large pieces remaining on the ground. These pieces are easily picked up without any "harm" done. In fact, it is so "safe," we just reach right down and grab it.

I grab those two pieces and I clutch them to my chest. I hold on for dear life, willing to even give my life for them. I clutch them also in hopes that it won't be seen by the Owner and Designer of the vase. They are so beautiful, even in their broken form, that I want to embrace them and keep them forever. That is where it stops.

What I hope is that I start to see a continuation of that image. I hope I see the Owner gently opening my arms and hand to reveal what I am clutching above my heart. I hope to see my hands letting go and laying those precious pieces in His. I hope to then see an embrace that I have been longing and searching for my entire life.