A Place of Hope

Enough

2012-01-22T18:12:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since the last time I wrote on here.
I am now married for almost four months. God has moved us to the Chicago area where I have been blessed with a new job and new opportunities. We feel like we are home; a place where we can settle.
On all accounts, I am starting to taste the most success I have ever experienced and I hope there is much more to come.
I see how Gods hand has moved so powerfully in my life. The journey He took me on. My wife. Him speaking over us before marriage that He would move "powerfully and quickly", not really knowing what that would entail. This job, this city, this life only opened up because of the new Favor on my life being married to my wife (Prov 18:22). Because of her, He moved powerfully and quickly.
My God, the God of the Universe. The Maker and Creator of all, not only formed me, chose me, called me, but also chose a wife for me. Even beyond all that, my God wanted me to have a new Favor with Him so badly, that He brought me a wife.
I did nothing to do or attain this. He orchestrated it all and now He continues to orchestrate every step. Never leaving my side. Never forsaking me. Never leaving me hanging. He brought me here and He will continue to work in our lives for the purposes He has for us.

So this is where I am at. At times, I am in awe; especially when talking with others about this journey. More often, though, I struggle. I feel inferior in every way, at work and in life. I fall constantly in anger and selfishness. My fallen heart longs for more and more things, but yet is never content. My wife sees through this and knows my sin, but yet it creeps up every single week.
I am now surrounded by some of the most successful people I have ever seen or known. This city is alive and well and I see that success in the cars, the clothes, the comfortableness; and I want that, for that is what my flesh still equates success with.
But one thing I know and am certain of deep down in my Spirit and soul. One thing I am reminded of every single week, whether I hold on to it for one second or for hours and days. My God is the God of enough. Again, my God is enough.

I will continue to ask for more. I will beg in my soul; I will plead. I will struggle to be content and be satisfied. But He will be enough. My God shall supply all of my needs (Phil 4:19).

Psalm 79

2011-08-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

1 O God, the nations have invaded your inheritance;
   they have defiled your holy temple,
   they have reduced Jerusalem to rubble.
2 They have left the dead bodies of your servants
   as food for the birds of the sky,
   the flesh of your own people for the animals of the wild.
3 They have poured out blood like water
   all around Jerusalem,
   and there is no one to bury the dead.
4 We are objects of contempt to our neighbors,
   of scorn and derision to those around us.
5 How long, LORD? Will you be angry forever?
   How long will your jealousy burn like fire?
6 Pour out your wrath on the nations
   that do not acknowledge you,
on the kingdoms
   that do not call on your name;
7 for they have devoured Jacob
   and devastated his homeland.
8 Do not hold against us the sins of past generations;
   may your mercy come quickly to meet us,
   for we are in desperate need.
9 Help us, God our Savior,
   for the glory of your name;
deliver us and forgive our sins
   for your name’s sake.
10 Why should the nations say,
   “Where is their God?”
   Before our eyes, make known among the nations
   that you avenge the outpoured blood of your servants.
11 May the groans of the prisoners come before you;
   with your strong arm preserve those condemned to die.
12 Pay back into the laps of our neighbors seven times
   the contempt they have hurled at you, Lord.
13 Then we your people, the sheep of your pasture,
   will praise you forever;
from generation to generation
   we will proclaim your praise.

New International Version (NIV)

praise, yet again

2011-08-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am approaching my wedding in a matter of weeks. This is something that has been in the works for over 31 years, and certainly, from way before that.
I see everyday, the enemy doing everything he can to steal my joy. To keep from seeing the true move of God in bringing my wife to me. A wife, that along side of me, will have a new calling and new anointing. God will move in our lives very quickly, for there is a plan and calling He has on our lives.
I know this, not only because God has spoken this to me, but because He continues to put His stamp of approval on our relationship every single day.
God has moved too many times over the course of our relationship to list them all. We met by the move of the Spirit, we have walked out our relationship by His Grace. Two years prior to us meeting, I was put on a crash course of being a Man of God, because He has something for us.
The latest way that God has moved is financially. I was promised a commission from my job. A commission that would have paid for our honeymoon, which God has already moved on, and allowed money for the days taken off that I do not have vacation for. This was taken away. Although I was blessed in other ways at work, this was gone. I knew God would come through, but it was still stressful.
I speak of this, only to show how good God is, how He moves in our lives and how very often, it looks different than what our flesh would imagine it happening, and how it is always for His glory because I had no way of making it happen on my own.
Long story short, I have been blessed over this past week with blessing from family. Blessing in the truest sense. Blessing as God placed it on their hearts to do what they did.
This blessing did not come from my toil. It did not come from my work, nor did I do anything to deserve it. It was a move of God, and again, His hand ordaining and blessing what is, and what is to come.
I have a choice though. I can allow pride to blind my eyes, or I can give God the praise and credit that He deserves. I praise God for moving yet again. I praise God for the calling He has on our lives. I praise God that no man, no woman, no force of hell, can thwart what He is doing or ever seperate us from His love.
God moved in a way that I can take no credit for. My "skill", my hand had absolutely nothing to do with this. This way, I can know with certianty that God is moving, yet again.

contrite

2011-07-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

So many times, unless I harden my heart to it, the only way i can get through the day, is through the Spirit of the Living God giving me the strength to get up. God's Spirit giving me the motivation to move my feet. Then strengthening those feet and directing them. Then straightening the Path...only to get up again the next day and have to rely on Him to do it all over again. And He will do it all over again and this is the way He wants it.
I just read in Is 57:15 and 66:2, about how God is close to the broken and those that are contrite in heart, or literally, crushed. It seems like that is the only way sometimes, if not all the time.
You know who you are. Those that are strong, independent and do it all on your own. Those that seek the platform of man, only to eventually watch it crumble before your eyes. You who accomplish so much in your own strength; but how is God glorified in that?
We have all heard it. How God uses the imperfect. I think back to Moses and how he pleaded with God to use someone else who speaks better. How Jonah ran away and even watned to die for not getting it his way, and then Christ was a model of him in a way. How Abraham just couldnt wait for the promise, yet he is the Father of our faith and deemed righteous. How David had an affair and murdered a man, Christ is called the Son of David. Is this sinking in at all?
God must use the broken. God must use the humble. God must use the cripled and the maimed as only then can His Light and Glory shine through. It is starting to make sense to me. God is not powerful in us if we are strong on our own. God is not love in us, if we are all loving on our own. God cant make the crooked path straight, if we straighten it in our own strength. God cant be our provider, if we do it so well for ourselves. (Micah 6:8; James 4:6, 10)
God always creates a dichotomy to our flesh, always. His way is always opposite our own and He proves His might and His strength in those who cannot possibly be strong and mighty on their own. And in that, no one can possibly be foolish and arrogant enough to take pride in what they think their own hands have made, and the world will see that there is no way they did what they did on their own..
Plain and simple, God opposes the proud and will eventually crush them (Rev 19:19-21). You may experience the Grace enough to lose everything to humble yourself before the Lord, but you may not be so lucky. God does not walk with the proud. He walks with the contrite. Christ came for the broken. Christ gave His life for the broken. Christ moves, lives and heals through the broken.
But far too many then wear their brokenness as a badge of honor. believe me, i have spent so much of my life in that place. Taking pride in every scar across my body, as they were my own. Not realizing that every scar was God opening my eyes. Was God forcing me to a place of repentance and reliance on Him.
Trust me, the War is over. It has already been determined and set, immovalble in history. But the battle wages on every single day. I want to rest, I want so badly to kick back, zone out, and come back to fight when I feel I'm ready. But I cant and you cant. The battle begins anew each and every day. A battle in the spirit, in the flesh and in the natural. Because of this, every day is a reliance on God to get me through. I praise Him for His love every single morning and His amazing Faithfulness every single night (Ps 92:2).

Dont ask now to be broken or to be humbled, or you may not live to finish the prayer. As God embraces you, so embrace Him. Do not be so arrogant as to think you choose Him... He chose you. (John 15:16)

The Mystery continues

2011-07-14T17:48:00.000-07:00

On September 30th, I will be getting married to the one God has chosen for me before the creation of the world. I truly believe that and see God proving that on an almost daily basis. On that night, I will be joined to her in Spirit and made one flesh with her. This is a profound Mystery. (Ephesians 5:31-32) No scientist will ever be able to explain this process. It is not biology, it is a move of the hand of God.
But this is the only earthly representation of what Christ has done for us and how He is coming back for us, His Bride, to be united with us. We can't understand just how deep and profound this is, but we can start to see why God hates divorce so much.
This is not to shame those who are divorced or going through it. God does not hate you. No, not at all.
When Christ was asked by the Pharisees (pastors) why Moses allowed divorce, Jesus went on to talk about when one can divorce (marital unfaithfulness) but stresses the point that God hates it. (Matthew 19:7-9, Malachi 2:14-16)
We read, that God chose us (his followers, his children, those that will accept Christ as Lord) before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4). We read in Genesis, that God created the heavens and the earth. So, even before this grand process, taking 7 days, God already chose me. He already chose my fiance. He chose you, to be called His son or daughter. How profound. How amazing. How loving. That we were on the Fathers mind before the world came about.
Gods word also talked about that, not only did He call me before He created anything, that He also then formed me in my mothers womb and literally knitted my soul together. Again, how intimate, loving and intentionally thought out and planned. (Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139:13-14, Job 31:15)
Just like He knitted my individual soul, He is going to again knit my soul with my wife's soul. This being done in a loving, thought out, intimate and mysterious way. What does divorce do? It intends to destroy, and call a mistake, that which God moved on. That which God took the time, in only the way He can, to join. We say, "no thanks" and we walk on. We, as man, seek to undo that which Gods hand has done and formed. (Matthew 19:6)
To take it one step further, the Mystery being talked about in Ephesians 5:32, is the forming of one new man, Jew and Gentile, which will be the Bride of Christ at His return. But I believe Paul places these words, right after talking about a man being united to his wife (v. 31) as this union represents the union of the one new man, the church. So the marriage union is the prophetic Revelation of Christ. That is huge!
My marriage, in a way, will be a physical and spiritual representation of the entire book of Revelation. We will be a walking example of Jew and Gentile being made one. A Bride to be presented spotless to our coming Christ. (Ephesians 5:25-7)

I started writing this a couple weeks ago and stopped. I awoke this sunday morning having dreamt of my wedding day. I cant wait. I sat down and started thinking about all the things Christ went through and He purposely went through everything we will go through. I started praising God for that. But the one thing Jesus didn't experience here was marriage...But He's coming back to do just that! The Spirit and the bride say come!

Even when it hurts

2011-07-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

I felt like I went around the same familiar mountain again this past week. A week marked with much pain, all too close to a birthday, which a majority of those in the recent past have been spent recovering from operations or feeling ill.
Anger sunk in and for a moment, I was without Hope again. Hope for a future in ministry seemed just like a foolish dream. A prophetic voice all but seemed like a cruel joke. But my disobedience is what brought me there and my disobedience and sin is what could allow me to stay there. But we serve a much bigger God and a God so loving (and even needing you) that He can't allow us to stay where we are
I sinned. It was a clear sin that God has spoken to me not too commit. But I did it. And like a loving Father, I was disciplined (Proverbs 3:12). I wanted to dispel that it was God; that it was just some nasty coincidence. But it was not.
For some people and Christians, that is hard to accept, especially in western culture. I was disciplined. I experienced pain to open my eyes again. 1 Peter 4, starting in verse 1 talks about how if one suffers in his body, he is done with sin (just as Christ suffered). God spoke this to me on Saturday and for one of the first times I was almost ashamed. I believe I even lowered my head as if to hide from my intimate God. And He went on in verse 17 to again point out, "For it is time for judgement to begin with the family of God, and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God."
I am thankful, like an adult son looking back on a fathers discipline as a child. I see Gods hand and I see my sinful part. Gods love never looks like how I want it to look.
We are in a time when obedience is critical. In the worlds eye my sin was obsolete. It really was. In Gods eyes, it's blatant disobedience. Praise God for my holy and loving rebuke. I pray I can be like David who "keeps an oath, even when it hurts." (Psalm 15:4) An oath of obedience, a vow to stick with God eve if it hurts or doesn't make sense. An allegiance to God and His ways, even if in the worlds eyes it doesn't work.

May Gods blessings be upon you may your eyes be opened to His loving hand in your life.

He really is the same

2011-04-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin. Today has been a hard day. It has been a hard week and several weeks. I have been toiling at work, to see little fruit, and I have been mad as hell about it.

My fiance I barely see; and I'm pissed. I have been so frustrated that on our 20 minute window of time we get on the phone tonight, I vented it to her.

But if I saw her tonight, it would not have done a thing. In fact, it would only make matters worse. I would be leaning on a broken crutch, only to be banished further and further from the presence of God, my only Hope.

While watching TV, I could find no relief. Seeing my open Bible, I turned to Romans where I read earlier; where it comforted, but only for a time. Romans 8:35 and 39 state that nothing can separate us from God's love. That is truly awesome, yet I had a desire to go to the beginning.

I turned to Genesis 1 and started reading. It is so easy to read this as just a story, but God is the same, yesterday, today and forever (Heb. 13:8). Even the first actions of the Creator and all creation is still playing out in my life and many others'.

The Third chapter is when Eve, then subsequently, Adam (that's right not Adam and Eve, but Eve, then Adam) ate of the forbidden fruit that made them like God. The fruit allowed them to see good and evil for the first time. They were like God, but in no way equal.

Because of this, they were cursed. Eve will now have her pain in childbirth multiplied and desire will be for Adam and he will rule over her (v 16). Adam will painfully toil from here on out for food until the day that he dies (v 17-19).

Well, that started to give me some hope, but at the same time, still frustrated me. There was a part of me, a part that I must master (Gen 3:7), that wants to circumvent God. Wants to thwart Him. That foolishly wants to go to War against Him to have it my way (Rev. 19:19). To have things handed to me. To be rewarded with material things for my toiling.

After the curses on Eve and Adam (and all humanity), God banished them from the garden. But right before He kicks them out, God makes them something to wear. He still loves them. In fact, He still talks to them. But sin literally kicked them out of His presence.

Adam and Eve's first children, Cain and Abel, still spoke with God. Cain later kills his brother Abel, due to the praise Abel received from the Lord. But even after Cain kills Abel, and commits the first murder, God still speaks to Him and even puts a mark on him to protect him (Gen. 4:15-16). He still loves Cain. But his worst punishment was being cast out of the Lord's presence and he knew it (v 14, 16); only to now toil to no avail and to have no home (v 12).

Sin takes us out of the Lord's presence.

I have the ability to walk with the Lord, just like Adam and Eve, and their children did, outside of of the Garden. I have walked with the Lord that way. We have the ability to have a very intimate relationship with Him, but yet we still have to toil. We still have to do it God's way.

My sin of today and the past weeks, have thrown me from the presence of God. I have heard His voice little, if at all. I have been thrown into confusion and anger, and desperately struggling to fix it my way. But He still loves me.

You can stop there and find "comfort" in that Grace. But there is so much more. Yes, He loves me and will clothe me in my utter nakedness, but I can choose to stay in sin, darkness, confusion and chaos. Or, I can turn to Him and embrace His presence again.

There is no force of hell or person who can separate me from the Love of God, found only in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:38-39). But, only I can separate myself from the presence of the Living God.

Repentence

2011-04-12T03:14:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 18:7-10 has been brought to my view a couple of times over the past several days. It reads the following:

"If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it."

I believe November 11th, is going to be a pivotal day.

Daniel 9:4-19

2011-03-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Perhaps a good prayer to be praying now...

Fear

2011-03-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have been going to bed every night in Fear.

I have been praying off and on for the past couple years that Christ Himself, the Holy Spirit, or an angel of the Lord would come to me; either in dream or while awake. Praise God that He always hears me, but that He does not always answer with what I ask for.

I have been reading more in Revelation, as my church is also speaking much about the book. In this, as also in earlier books (i.e. Ezekiel, Daniel) Christ is not the image we see painted with a smile on His face and a child on His knee. As stated in earlier posts, this is fully Christ; but the Christ we are soon to see, is a Christ of Judgement, Fire and absolute power...this scares me to the core. Woe to those who never knew Him and who refuse to know Him, for their fear will end in much much worse.

This Fear of My Jesus and My God scares me to my inner most being. To see Christ in His full glory terrifies me. I have felt demonic fear that I described as a "lead cloak," but this is completely different.

Some Christians would argue that one should not have fear of God per se (even though all the times we are told to fear the Living God in His Word is too much to list), Fear leads to knowledge, to wisdom, to obedience (often through discipline) to knowing God just a little more, so we never doubt Him again to the point of dying for bearing His name.

In the first chapter of Proverbs it reads in verse 7, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge..." In 14:27, "The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death." Death is eternity in the Lake of Fire.

When John sees Jesus in His full glory, he falls to the ground as if he is dead. In terror, in fear. But listen, that same God who has flames in His eyes, a sword in His mouth and a name yet to be uttered or known, puts His hand on John and says, "Do not be afraid." (Rev 1:17, and beyond).

If I do not fear God, if I really don't believe He can not only take my life, but split the earth in two with one Word, then why would I ever obey Him? God is moving very profoundly upon the earth and He is also moving profoundly in the life of Believers for a reason.

This intimate moving is Painful. It looks like complete abandonment. It is to get us, as the Church, to the place we need to be. To have outright obedience and Trust. Trust to know He is there. Trust to know what to do. Trust to obey.

Obedience to not take the mark of the Beast, even though that means I cannot buy or sell. But who is my Provider? Whom do I trust to meet all my needs?

Trust and Wisdom to not be deceived by the vile and profane moving in miracles resembling moves of the Spirit. Trust to see disasters all around, but to See the Spirit moving like never before.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in I Peter. Starting in v. 7 & 17, "The end of all things is near...For it is a time for Judgement to begin with the family of God, and it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?"

Let us Fear God. Let the Church say, Come!

wisdom

2011-01-26T16:56:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 1:17 reads, "I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better."

I hope when you read those words it drops you to your knees. I hope the Love of God floods you in this very moment.

Wisdom, to our Father, is allowing us to know Him better.

How many of us when we pray, pray "Show me what to do here! Should I turn left, should I turn right?"

But what we fail to realize is that with wisdom, yes, He will give discernment and you will know what to do; but with Wisdom, we know the Father. We are in His arms. We get to see one more glimpse of just how amazing, loving and powerful He is.

In that state, in that moment, nothing else matters. Our questions are irrelevant, because God loves us and we know it! Because He loves us, He takes care of us. He goes before us. He moves on our behalf.

God longs for us to know Him. We want God to speak in an audible voice, but do we realize what the Word of God means (The Bible)? It is His words. It is His voice. It is living and breathing. It is more than a book; it is God himself. What was with God in the beginning? The Word (John 1:1-2). Christ was the Word made flesh (John 1:14). I think we are on to something.

After reading in Ephesians 1, I felt led to keep going. Ephesians 2:15 reads about Christ and his death, "by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations, His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace."

It stopped me in my tracks. I just wrote earlier about how Christ did not come to abolish the Law and I really felt God giving me the words to write. I didn't understand. "God, what are you talking about here? Let me know you better. Give me wisdom to do so."

I then felt instantly led to chapter 4:4 where Paul writes, "There is one body, and one Spirit." Again, God speaking about one body.

I think we easily read a verse in the Word and stop. In Ephesians 2:15, we want to hear that Christ abolished the law. That makes my life a whole heck of a lot easier, until the spiritual ramifications of not following the law rears its head in my life and the lives of generations to come.

But what Paul immediately spoke after that was that the purpose was to make one new man out of the two. Paul was talking about the difference between the Jews and the Gentiles. They were always separate. The Gentiles were vile, uncircumcised beings, who if in the Jews presence, would make them unclean.

But Christ came to destroy that! He came to make us one body, an extension of God Himself. Now able to stand before the Father righteous and clean. To be a place for God Himself to dwell, move, speak and heal. God is amazing. And He longs for us to know just how amazing He is.

opposite day

2011-01-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting with a soon to be friend in my apartment tonight. We were talking about many things, but one in particular is a situation I am in and going through. He said to me that I am being "taken advantage of."

Boy, did that make me feel good. I sat back a bit, had a smile, and agreed. "You are right," I thought, "I deserve better and I deserve more."

This friend meant nothing wrong with this, but as I lay in bed tonight, it was resounding in me that this is not the case. I am not being taken advantage of.

I absolutely love challenging and revealing the true nature and meaning of the Christian-ese people are able to spout out of their mouths; most of the time not believing or even realizing what they are saying.

Fact. God is sovereign. I challenge one follower of Jesus Christ to disagree with me on that.

If that is true, which we already decided is fact, then God ordains everything.

If that is the case, than not even satan himself and all the powers of hell can not do one thing to me without my Father's knowledge (remember, He ordains everything). If you doubt this, do you really believe God is bigger?

So, if i am truly being taken advantage of, this means God has turned His back on me and does not see anything going on. That satan, the world and fellow humans have duped my God. They pulled a fast one on Him, as He shakes His fist, hoping only to catch them the next time.

Come on.

Lets read what the Word says (The Bible, that is Living and Breathing and came to walk the earth in the flesh as Jesus Christ):

In Luke 6:27-39, Christ states, "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you...if someone takes your cloak (money, pride, food, possessions), do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back..."

In verses 32-35, "If you love those that love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them...But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them...and you will be called sons of the Most High."

A really great test to know if what you are about to do, or think, or say, is lining up with the Will of God, usually do the exact opposite you have ever seen the world portray it. In movies, TV, sometimes even the pulpit, we learn self preservation. Whether that is our pride, or our very life. But we are called to lose our life. Not only our flesh (greed, envy, pride, hatred, anger, etc) but sometimes even our very lives.

Christ always taught and did the very opposite of what the world and the pastors of that time would do. He ate and drank with the scum of the earth. He touched those with leprosy, and not only touched them with compassion, but healed them. Loved those who were hated. Became unclean by bringing the dead to life. And in the end, said nothing; did nothing to those who mocked him, beat him and eventually took His life.

If anyone was taken advantage of, it was Christ. But God ordained it. That may be hard for some to grasp. God ordained every single second of it. God ordained every insult. Every punch. Every blow, every thorn pushed into his skull.

God's way is not the worlds way. It will never be. I am called to not be of this world. I only live here, to finally get to live in my true Home. It's backwards. It doesn't make sense. And that is why I can't do it on my own, because it is contrary to everything my flesh wants and wants to do.

That is why we ask. That is why there is the Holy Spirit to move in us, to give us words, to give us Joy to literally do the "opposite." I can't do it on my own.

the presence

2011-01-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

My pastor, and friend, spoke today about being in the presence of the Lord. In His presence is joy (Psalm 16:11). In His presence is Peace. In Him we find Rest. Then why would I chose anything else?

In His presence I love. I desire good things for others. I want to serve. I want to bless; not only do I want to do those things, I do them.

I can't love without the presence of the living God saturating me and loving through me. I can't serve without Christ serving through me. Don't you see?

We beg from the pulpit for people to help; to serve the needs of the church. But in my flesh, on my own, seeking my own agenda, I DO NOT LOVE. I have no desire to serve. It is just that simple.

I have found myself in a place of trying again. But I can only try and be "godly" without God for so long. I wanted my time for me. I have selfishly wanted God's presence to reside on me, without any effort on my part. Believe me, He comes. And when He comes only the damned would deny Him.

He has come to me and come powerfully. He has changed me. But so easily, I do not persevere. I think there has got to be another way to still walk with Him, but be able to live in anger, hostility, selfishly and in the flesh. You can't. I can't.

I compare myself to others and I always feel that I can't measure up. But my calling is not yours, and our calling is irrevocable (Romans 11:29). Even that said, I don't want to lose everything again for my calling to manifest.

I can't tell you in certainty what my calling is. I have seen vision of a literal healing ministry. I have seen the dead rise. I have seen coffins literally rise and the dead pushed out only to walk. I have seen those slain by the fire of God only to rise again. But yet I see nothing in my life change towards that...

I become discouraged. I notice my "lack." I push aside that "foolish dreaming" trying even harder to find comfort in what the world can offer, instead of the God who has comforted me in the darkest places that I never wish to go again. I begin to think I should go after things again, as that will bring me purpose.

What it has brought me is unrest. Two weeks now of broken sleep. It has brought me anxiety. Confusion like a fog. A tongue much more willing to curse.

I praise God for His words being spoken through my pastor. We need to be preaching how and encouraging others to get in His presence. Trust me, He is always here! I don't care if you don't feel it; He is there. But there is a difference between God being here, and His presence dwelling here. I want Him dwelling. I miss Him so much...but do I enough to fight for Him? To pursue Him? To turn off the TV and just sit? To open His word with seemingly no direction at all?

God, give me the desire again to pursue you like nothing else.

God came to destroy God...huh?

2010-12-04T19:58:00.001-08:00

I believe one of the major lies being touted in Church today is that Christ came to destroy the Law; meaning, it is irrelevant. Huh?

Anyone who has been to church more than a few times can probably repeat like a robot, "God is the same, yesterday, today and forever." Amen.

We are now faced with two paradigms, which in Jesus' name, one must be shattered. You "believe" two things at the same time. That God is infinitely the same, yet His created law is not. Boiled down, you are saying God (Jesus Christ) came to destroy God. How can a kingdom divided against itself stand (Mark 3:24)?

You are saying God made a mistake. That He took it back. How, therefore, can you speak in the same breath that God is always the same if He changes His mind? I Samuel 15:29, "He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."

You are believing a lie.

Attached to the Law is so much power. There is life and death, not only for you, but for generations to come. (Exodus 20:5)

I want my children blessed for a thousand generations, granted to those who love God and keep His commands. I want this one. (Exodus 20:6 and in Deuteronomy 5:10)

Lets look at the last words of the Old Testament. Malachi 4-6,

"Remember the law of my servant Moses, the decrees and laws I gave him at Horeb for all Israel...or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."

Flip just a few pages to the 5th chapter of the New Testament and see and hear what Christ Himself has to say. Matthew 5:17-20:

"Do not think I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets. I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven."

I don't think I need to say too much more.

Try not to think of the Living and Breathing Word of God as the "Old Testament" and the "New Testament." Or be foolish enough to think of "the God of the OT and NT." Let it be one Book. Let the Spirit of the Living God speak to you through it. Do not find the answers for yourself; let God show you.

If you still don't get it, think of this very real spiritual Law (the 10 Commandments) like the very real law of gravity. Now start to think of that gravity in terms of the Old and New Testament. If someone jumped off a 10 story building in the OT, he fell to his death. Just like if you jump off a 10 story building now, the same will happen to you. Because the law is the law.

Don't fall to your death out of ignorance and laziness. Wake up for God's sake.

Just check out Deuteronomy 28:15-68. Then start to read through the amazing blessings for those who are obedient. It's all in there...

Mystery

2010-08-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

God is now allowing me to get back in a place that He has had me for the past couple years. I have wanted so badly for my Training to be over, and to essentially do it on my own again. But He wont let me; I’m so grateful for that.

He has allowed me to long for Him again. To love Him. He again will wake me in the morning to get up with Him (most often I just try to sleep more, which I never can).
I am realizing, why I don’t long for God more, why I don’t go after Him, why I don’t give Him my whole heart (probably like most other men)…because it hurts.

I now wake up, instead of angry and self-absorbed, I wake up to an absolute aching in my soul and heart. I miss Him. And it’s an aching that will never be filled until I go Home.

I also ache even more for the Dream He has given me of another. I have had the luxury of over my past 30 years to see beauty in so many ways. When I went to the Grand Canyon, all alone, a few years back, it still remains one of the most Beautiful and also Spiritual experiences of my whole life.

I now have Beauty in my life and it makes me want to foster that even more. I don’t want to keep going it alone anymore (although I am never alone). Not out of loneliness, not out of need, but because the Dream is becoming Reality.

I am seeing the cool Autumn breeze personified. The split second moment of silence and calm of the ocean waves is living and breathing. When the Canyon was completely filled with fog and mist and would break, just for one second, so I could see how majestic, beautiful and unfathomable the scenery; I experience that every weekend and I am always in awe at how I think she can’t get any more beautiful.

All that to say, my mystic heart is being opened again. God is the original mystery. Why does He continue to love me when I repeatedly curse Him? Why does He whisper most of the time, but then shatter the earth in the next breath? Why does He do everything in love, but yet it hurts so much?

To those who don’t read the Word (like I have done) it is all to easy to say there is the God of the Old Testament, then the God of the New. Bollocks. If you read it, that same fierce, judgmental, flame in His eyes God is walking in the flesh…but He is coming back to be that.

God is a Mystery. He is not an oxymoron. He does not contradict Himself. He is God. Christ is living in my heart and given me a new mind, but who can understand the ways of God? One must either love and be in awe of this aspect of Him, just like one can love the mystery of a woman, or else you will hate Him for it.

It is much easier for us to hate things and people we don’t understand than love them. Most often times because it takes effort to understand. It takes time. It takes being absolutely vulnerable and opening your heart.

I will never fully understand God, but yet I am still called to pray for and desire Wisdom and Understanding. I ask for this every day.

The one thing that really gets me right now, is that we as a Church must go after God and approach Him as a mystery. I say this with absolute ferocity, God is not a dog to be put on a leash and tamed! You do this when you write your books and speak sermons about being happy. You do this when pop-psychology is all you care about. That walking the Christian life is all about changing your attitude and behaviors. That is pop-psychology and it has infiltrated the church just as much as feminism did the past few decades (that is for another blog). You do this when you think, audaciously and foolishly, that He only exists for my happiness. Follow Buddha if that is what you want. Pick up your cross and die if you want to follow Christ. Not as appealing, is it?

Did Jesus ever approach someone and say, “what you need to do is repeat these scriptures about happiness 30x per day, then you will be healed.” Did He say, use this latest cognitive-behavioral technique, try really hard to stop doing what you are doing, then maybe you will get healing someday.” No! He said to the demons, “Go,” he said “be healed,” and they were healed right then and there. Sometimes he said go and sin no more. But I think He really meant that now that I have healed you and given you a new heart, you will in turn go and sin no more. How could you not do a complete 180 when you just were physically touched by God Himself. But blessed are those who believe in me that have never seen me, Christ would later say.

Allow God to change you. Pray for new eyes, new ears and a new tongue. Quit trying to change on your own. In a sense, you are a worshiper of yourself (a narcissist) if you think you can do it on your own. You are not bigger than God and you never will be.

Embrace the Mystery. God loves you and will change you even though you don’t deserve it. He will change your heart because you ask, not because you read the latest book on it. God loves you so much that he may take everything but your next breath (and sometimes He does that) to show you how loving He is. That is God. He is a Mystery.

my biggest sin

2010-07-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Is the magic bullet-- The golden verse. The specific prayer. The "solution" for freedom.
Believe me, God moves collectively. I pray He moves so powerfully no one but the eternally blind will know that it's Him. I pray that the God of the Wind, would move so profoundly, to push away all destruction pouring in on the shores of our country.
But God also moves individually and very intimately. But all too often, I take that as the answer for everyone. "I better blog that and tell the world," I think to myself. But with that, I judge everyone else thinking they need this "Revelation." I even stand up in church.
But what if it's just for me? Most often, it is just for me. Just God and I.
Is God bigger than medicine? Of course He is. Does He allow it? Yes. If not, it would not exist. How dare I judge anyone who takes it.
Did He create herbs and foods to heal? Yes. But He can be bigger. But He can also use it.
Does prayer alone work? Of course.
There is no contradiction in the Bible. I see a Christ of Healing with every single step. I also see a Christ so full of depression and anxiety that blood dripped out of His skin.
I see an apostle with a thorn in his side, pleading with God to take it away; only to have it remain; only to imply He is enough.
I see a God who opens the earth to swallow an entire family because of their audacity. I see a God saving a prostitute because of her help.
I see Abraham, my father, who everyone in the faith looks up to. Being spoken over by God Himself, that he is righteous. But I see him become impatient and sleep with another, because the promise was not worth waiting for; he could not touch it or feel it. But he was still righteous, because God called him so.
Even though I want another way, I am called a Son. Even though I hate, I am Righteous. Even though I curse the Calling on my life and want to be done; I am Redeemed.
God bless the fighters. God bless those who just need one second of hope to take another breath. God bless those whom have to rely on a God that is just Enough. May He continue to move in all ways.
Perhaps you take medicine; you have faith. You are loved. Perhaps you dwell on and speak the Word at all times. You have faith. You are loved. Perhaps you drink for some sort of peace and relief. You are loved. Perhaps you desperately try to fill the void with creation. You are loved. Why do I so easily forget.

Harold

2010-05-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

Anyone who truly knows me, has heard me talk about, whom I refer to as my "mentor," Harold. He was more than just that. Father figure, counselor, friend and spiritual guide. There is so much I want to say about him and his role in my life.
Simply, he has been in my life for almost 8 years because God put it on his heart to befriend me...and he listened.
Because of Harold being open to the Holy Spirit working in his life, and consequently, through mine, I learned to forgive. I came back to the Lord in 2006 in front of him. I was baptized by him. And later, Harold taught me how to be a man.
I love him. I miss him...but I rejoice. The past year of my life, Harold and I were able to talk on a different level. He was searching for God's face. He was broken because he could not see the Father. He is seeing Him now. You did it my friend! I rejoice for you.
Harold was a man of the Word. To be a man of God, you must be in the Word. Through tears, God led me to the word last night. This is what the Lord spoke to me concerning Harold:

"All these people were still living by Faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised, they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had an opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better Country. A Heavenly one. Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has a city for them."

That is Harold. Praise you God...

The Wilderness, Part I

2010-04-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am finally slowing down...

For a year now, I have been in the Wilderness. By the Grace and Love of God, He allowed me to step in to it. By the Grace and Love of God, He allowed me to leave. Not only leave, but enter a land that He has given to me--my Canaan.
The year has been filled with some of the most intense emotions that I have ever felt. I have experienced the darkest Darkness that has ever come upon me. And I felt it come on, and I most definitely felt it leave. I likened it to a "cloak of lead" that I could feel from head to toe.
I have felt the most intense loneliness I have ever experienced. I was in a place that I could not wait to leave, and even stated that I would...but I never felt His Peace to do so. It continually kept me there.
It is a place I never want to go again. I will never look back and think about how much easier it was during those times. I will never look back, with warped and false memories, thinking it was better in any way. God made it so I could not do that; something I have done my whole life (the Grass is Greener mentality).
That being said, it was just God and I, for the first time in my life. Something that I still fight, quite honestly. I still want to fill my time with things, with people, with what the world would call purpose.
Although I don't look back with longing to be back in that place, I can see the absolute Beauty and Hand of God. Although I want to block it all out, and God knows I have mastered such abilities, I think of times when God literally moved the page of the Word to speak to me. This is where I got to see first hand that the Bible is a Living, Breathing, extension of God Himself.
I still can see pages in the Word, that now look like perfect stars, where I was pouring out tears in front of the Throne of God.
I recall that God became Real and Intimate for the first time in my life. Breathing on every step. Ordaining every single aspect of my life, albeit painful. Removing Himself to show me that He is still there.
I guess I can sum up this past year in these couple of points.

God is Alive! He is not dead. He is not sitting on a Throne millions of light years away, once in awhile, looking down to see the mess we have got ourselves into. No. God is the God of everything. He is very present. He is Good. He is Love. Not a love that we can only understand that wants to take away pain, and comfort the way we know how to do. No. A God that will use pain to show just how amazing He is...

Which leads to my second point, that God Ordains everything! There is nothing that the Enemy can do that surprises God and throws a wrench into His plan. Everything that happens must be allowed by God.
So I plead with you...When the darkness comes, when the attack ensues, when everyone hates you, when everyone leaves in an instant to never be heard from again, when everything falls apart...Just try to stop for a moment and know that this is not surprising God. As painful as it may feel to say it and believe it, know that God has allowed it. He has allowed it for Him to be Glorified.
I truly believe that the Enemy plans every attack really thinking this will be the one that will do us in for good. This will be the one to finally bring about our destruction and our complete denial of God. Sometimes it can cause one to do that. But...God can, and will, always use it for our good and always use it for His Glory! May God be Glorified!

so here I go again

2010-01-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

So, it's Friday night. The thought is a bit sobering. Another week of stress at a job I am trying to succeed in. Another week of trying to prove my worth to those with power around me. Another week of uncertainty with the career, where I will be and what I will be doing. I can't wait for Friday to come...
At 5pm, that excitement for the weekend immediately fades and an intense loneliness and bit of depression takes it place. I am in a city where I know no one. A place where no one will call me up tonight to hang out. I will not run into anyone I know this weekend. I am in a place of solitude again. This is my reality.
I find myself desperately trying to find something to do tonight. I went out to an area I like, went into a couple shops, and now you will find me sitting at Panera, relatively alone. Who would of thought that people would not be flocking to Panera on a Friday night? :)
I am not alone though. As I walked in, there was a couple sitting at a table. A couple that stood out amongst the "money" and well groomed people of the area. An area that I find comfortable and appealing.
The man immediately held eye contact with me, and as I walked by said "hello." In my self- absorbed manner tonight, I wanted to prove to him and the 3 others here that I am cool, actually quite popular and only here because I have important "work" to do on my sticker-laden laptop (very professional that is). I gave him my "what's up, man" line and continued to walk to my food. As I walked back over, he commented how good my salad looked. I realized what an ass I was earlier and politely smiled and laughed along with him.
I sat down, feeling a little down still, to eat my food. An attractive woman walked by the window with her boyfriend. As did couple after couple. Little do they know I have such important work to do...remember, that is why I am here (oh, the world is quite a stage).
The staff at Panera were a bit taken back by the couple sitting down. I could tell in a girls eyes that she was uncomfortable cleaning the tables around them. I continued to eat, not giving this couple a second thought. They did not bother me. They did not invoke much thought, actually. They were essentially neutral. I was thinking about myself.
This couple eventually got up to leave. The staff was relieved. Sadly, in a way, I think I was too. The man said, "it is time to hit the road" and they grabbed their bags, which I failed to see prior (i.e. preoccupied with being cool) and they walked by my window towards an alley of the outdoor mall I am at. Their bags, I believe, is everything that they own.
My heart broke...
I sit here eating an incredibly over priced salad in the comfort of a heated and cooled cafe. Earlier in the day, I complained about my financial situation again, mainly to myself and God. Will I ever get ahead? I complained of feeling like I am still living out of my car. How dare I think that as I eat this $8 salad.
I imagined buying this couple a warm meal here and praying with them. But I continue to sit and eat. I even continue to write.
I will look for them and God I hope I find them. In my eyes, I screwed this one up. In God's eyes, I did not. It was not laid on my heart to buy them food, give them money or even converse much with them as they sat next to me. Perhaps that was God's will that I did.
I know God sees me and the situation different. I realize that perhaps the only reason I saw them walk away was for God to break my heart again. Unfortunately, God has to do this quite often. It is the only way I can get out of myself again. It is the only way I can see Reality again. Whenever you do to the least of these, you do it for Me, Christ essentially said. I firmly believe that with all my heart. Most of the time, I want to do for me.
Likely, by the end of the night, I will be holding a bit of a pity party for myself again. As I look at the empty condo I am in, worrying about if I will do anything at all the next day, if I will even see another human. God will break my heart again. Maybe not tomorrow, but He will. And I will praise Him for that yet again. I hope He never stops...

2009-09-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm just going right now. Call it hypomania, call it enlightenment, call it eureka. Whatever...

This entire past week I have been going after something I cannot attain. I just can't (at least right now, at this moment). It can't happen. It is my "grass is greener" mentality. This thing is the Green Pasture. It is the pinnacle of what I seek after. Something that does not come along very often. Although, while going after this, I convince myself that I can attain it.
I sabotage my life. I have done it my entire life and it is pretty flippin comfortable. It is what I know. It is what I do. I desperately go after things thinking it is somehow better than what I currently have, all to have it end up making my life just the way it is, or leaving me in even more pain, even more discontent and even more lonely.
I always think there is someone or something better, that can fulfill me even more (friends, dating, job, location, etc.). Even today, I was romantically thinking about CA again, and how much better it was out there.
When I think about the past, I recall it negatively. Rarely do I dwell on the amazing times in my past. Thank God for music, which unlocks those beautiful memories and emotions I felt as a child and in years past (i.e. Coldplay, melodies in Eternal Sunshine).
In order to keep my usually subconscious, self sabotaging behavior, I remember the "grass is greener" situations in my past, very positively. I equate all the times that I have moved, moved on, burned bridges...ran. I think of them all positively in my head. The reality is that all those times left me just as broken, if not even more broken, than prior to acting.
In doing this, chaos ensues in my life. I become anxious, things don't make sense, I'm exhausted. I create all of this. I do this so that I can sin. I do this so I can have a "valid" and "external" reason to commit the sin that I'm about to commit. I do this to show God and others what a life with Him "really looks like." I do it so I can do it my own way again, because even though I have God in my life, it just has to be better than that. I want my heaven on earth, and that usually comes in the form of a female.
Well, I will never have heaven on earth. I will never be fully content here. I will always long for more. I will always think that it can and could be better than it is. I will always have a propensity for self sabotaging behavior...but I have hope.
I will always be this way. This is life. This is reality. I can rebuke the devil and all his demons of selfishness and rebellion, but I will still be the same. Because I'm a freaking human being.
In the garden, Adam walked with God. Literally walked with Him. Talked about nothing, hung out and relaxed with God; the Being no one else in history has seen with his own eyes. But it just wasn't good enough. Adam was convinced that it could be and even had to be better than what he had. Did satan implant that in him? Definitely not. Satan only encouraged that.
We talk so much about how after the fall, we now have that void that can never be filled. Then how the heck did Adam do that if he didn't have that void? That is the beauty of free will. And it is beautiful. God is saying, here I am. I am literally walking with you, sharing all my thoughts and feelings with you, hearing all you have to say, but since I love you so much, I will allow you to try to have it better than this...
Thank God for that. You know what, life blows. It really does. It sucks. It is hard, it is toilsome, I keep running after things hoping to make me content, but I never am. I work and do the same thing every single day, just so I can maybe get some sleep and do the same damn thing again the next. I desperately seek that person and that thing to finally create heaven on earth. But it never happens.
I now realize how profound the concept of heaven is. After all this toiling, after all this crap, I will appreciate and be in profound awe of God and of heaven itself. I will drop to my knees in shame, and embarrassment, but also in pure contentment and rest. I will because I will finally be there. I will see the dichotomy between heaven and earth, because I have now experienced both. I will now be able to appreciate it. I will finally get it...
Until then, I won't get it, and that is ok. Until then I will continue to want to do things on my own. I will keep going after things to seek that contentment, and I won't get it. And that is ok. I am now becoming conscious and aware of it and will hopefully act less and less. But I will act. But I thank God that I will be able to step back enough to remember the truth. The truth of the past and the truth about what I am doing. I will also realize how awesome God really is. I will realize that He could just take all this away and make me a perfect robot for Him to control. But He doesn't. That is just how amazing He is.

9/11

2009-09-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

I praise God for all those who continue to fight, and all those who fell so I can live the way I do...Free. Free to write about God, Free to talk about God, Free to worship my God...

2009-09-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to begin this. I felt I was supposed to write the other night, but I tried to sleep instead. It did not work...
A darkness, now very familiar to me from my past, came over me like a cloak earlier this week. This cloak was of death. Death physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I felt this come on me for about three days.
This meant days of no sleep, days of decreasing sanity and hope. This shook me to the core and exposed how rotten that core still is. On the third day, I believe, I had had enough. Being tempted to end it all, I cursed God. I yelled it at him, "F you, get out of my life."
In tears and in anger, I cursed Him.
These are like words I yelled at Him back in 2006 when I left it all. I could never deny His existence, but I just didn't want Him or His plan for my life...But He brought me back and showed me His goodness.
How did I come to this place yet again? That I don't know. I don't know if it was me that allowed this to happen, but it happened. I am exposed.
I have now repented of those incredibly hateful words I thought I would never repeat again. Words I have even bragged would never come out of my mouth again. I denied Him. I didn't want Him.
I have repented, but I still struggle. I still grapple with letting Him control my life. Today, being hit with another migraine (daily for almost 2 weeks now) with no seeming cause or reason. Today, having only slept 2 nights of the past week, I again struggled with feelings of anger towards God and with wanting to create my own path; as His only seems filled with incredible pain, depression and loneliness.
My core is still exposed. I cannot deny it any longer. I can come up with a million reasons why I have a right to be angry, about how unfair my entire life has been, how every day has been filled with pain. Yet I still sin. I say to the Potter, how dare You give me breath! How dare You mold me this way! How dare You. Remove Your hands for I can do it better!
Lord, forgive me. My core is exposed and rotten.
People, I have lived apart from Him before. Why do I still find it enticing? I keep thinking that a life without Him would be so much easier. I could be in sin, living only for myself, seeking only my happiness and I would finally have peace...IT IS A LIE! I want this lie to be crushed from this day forward.
You know why I can't just now live in sin, living only for myself? Because I have tasted relationship with Him. Perhaps enough alcohol could numb that Truth for awhile, but it is still Truth. Why I continue to run from it, I don't know. Why I allow the lie that a life without Him would be so much better, I don't know. But it is there, and I want it dead.
I don't even know how many people, if any, read these words. I felt I was to write something to this effect and I did. This is reality people. I am not the only person struggling with this. I am one, in this generation, that is getting hit. We are getting hit on a daily basis. We are having all hope stripped away from us. We are having our cores exposed. I praise God for the ones that do not deny Him in this time. I hope to stand up with you soon.
God, have Your way with me and with my life.

2009-08-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

I felt very lead to write this before the election and now I feel led to post what I wrote on this blog:

To say that I am fearful about the upcoming election would be a stretch, but I am concerned. As we have all seen, our country is at a very low point. Maybe it has been lower in the past, but I have not been around to see it.

I feel that the country is where it is, not because of Bush, not because of the war, not because of sending jobs overseas. You better believe I think these things played a part, but I feel the main issue is the Godlessness of our society. It has now become incredibly socially acceptable to be spiritual, but you must be “insane” to be a Christian. We, as in our country, as in you and me, have allowed God to become obsolete in this country. We have not allowed God to be a part of our lives as a country, but also in our lives personally. We have not needed Him. Our needs have already been met by other means.

Yes, you may be thinking you have heard this crap over and over before, in every generation and in every election. I honestly feel this time is different. I can only attest to what has been happening in my life, but over the past couple of years (and even in the past 10), I have been shaken up numerous times. I chose to ignore this process and rather “cope” with it by anger, feeling victimized and blaming everything under and above the sun.

Today, I have slowly seen everything I depended on taken away. My job, at times my health, joy, peace, etc. But what I have is joy in the midst of it. I have hope, even though by worldly means I should have none. Do I feel this constantly all the time? No. But I know it is there, I know it is a gift and I know I am being taught to finally practice what I preach and speak—That God is my provider, that He is fully and completely good, that He always has my best interest at heart, that the Holy Spirit is my joy and my hope and that if He can clothe the lily and feed the sparrow, I know He will do beyond that for me.

I believe this country is also getting shaken up. I can slowly see what we have all depended on for security and for peace of mind, being allowed to fall away. For example, the unemployment rate, the dollar, the stock market, etc. Of course, there are fluctuations in all of these and most likely, and hopefully, these will all rebound.

What is the purpose of this? Perhaps to bring repentance, perhaps to rely on God again in a place where we really haven’t needed Him, perhaps something entirely different, or maybe I’m so far off that it has nothing to do with God (I don’t believe that for a second, though). I don’t know for certain, but I think God, at the very least, is asking us to wake up.

I do not claim to be the voice of God. There is an infinite amount of God that I have yet to understand and know. But what I am certain of is that God despises, is deeply saddened and detests and taking of innocent life. Can you imagine forming a soul, mapping out the personality and seeing the purpose and future of your creation, all to have it sent back to you because it was not wanted?

I also know that God has the nation of Israel dear to His heart. I cannot begin to show you just how many times God mentions Israel and how they are His chosen people in the Bible. I know it’s hard for some Christians to even grasp that as many have denounced Jesus as the Christ. But that is irrelevant. What matters is that we stand beside them and protect that which God’s hand also protects.

These above-mentioned paragraphs that I hold as God’s truth, I think play a very large part in where we are as a country today. Is God a punishing, punitive judge just sitting around waiting to pounce? Not at all. Does He allow things to happen that we might hate, want to get through as quickly as possible and that may cause pain? Yes, but our best interest is always in His heart. We may never fully understand the “why” of what happens, but ultimately, we don’t need to. For my God’s thoughts are higher than mine, and His ways will always be higher than mine. I have learned it futile to question and to ask why.

Basically, the point of all of this was to get you to think, perhaps to pray and seek God’s truth for yourself. You may disagree and be angered by every word I have written. As mentioned, I am not he voice of God, but all I know is what I feel He has shown me. More importantly, these words came to me tonight and I want others to see just how important this election is.

I feel there are enormous spiritual implications of this election. I do not think in any way that the two candidates are perfect, but I have never seen so much blatant deception in the eyes and ears of our people. I have never seen such a disregard for the truth and such an apathy to lies. Because of this, I know spiritual forces are at work. It is obvious where the two candidates stand on the issues I have presented, especially on life. I pray for wisdom for us all.

The Whisper

2009-08-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for the day (which as the days pass I am becoming more certain I will see) when Christ descends upon the earth. He will come with full glory and with full power. It is a sight that will induce fear, but also so much joy.
Until that day, God speaks in a whisper. Am I willing to take the time to listen to that? I can feel the Holy Spirit direct my paths at times. I can feel Him telling me what to write and what not to, at times. I can also feel confusion and panic come over me and I know that I have grabbed for control over my life again. But am I willing to sit in silence, grappling with a mind that would seem to never shut off, waiting to hear that faint whisper that may come then, but may come weeks or months down the road? Sadly, many times I am not.
Out of brokenness, I have been blessed to feel and experience God's love and comfort, even if just for a matter of seconds. It was amazing. It produced hope, peace and allowed me to keep moving another day.
But the whisper seemed to stop. The weariness began to come back, but this time without the awesome comfort. But He is still there.
In the midst of the darkness, He is still there. When the intense fear and panic comes, He is still there. When I try to run, He is still guiding me. My God is still here.
Perhaps my desire to take back control of my life has caused distance...perhaps. Perhaps my tongue, my complaining, my fear and lack of trust in Him has caused Him to pull away...perhaps. But maybe this God, who has blessed me with His presence, will also bless me by not being able to feel Him. Perhaps this amazing God wants to go beyond feeling, into a foundation of knowing He is there, even when there is nothing around to suggest He is. Maybe, just maybe, that day will come again where I do hear that whisper. If it never comes again, I will still praise You.

I Kings 19:11-12

Why Me?!

2009-07-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

Why me?
For the first time, spoken and thought to God without the connotation of despair. For the first time uttered without feeling denied of more. For the first time said with tears in thanksgiving for the blessing.
Why me? Why am I so privileged as to be sought by God Himself? Why did I get to leave all that was comfortable in order to be comforted by the living God? Why do I get to see so many dreams shattered in the beautiful presence of Jesus Christ?
I don't know. I have no idea. I do not understand. That is the only way to have faith. It is in the lack of understanding that I believe. It is when I can't figure out, when I step out of the fog of confusion, that I know. It is in the place of losing all hope that I finally attain It.
I do not know the end. I do not know where I am going; but I know I am where I am supposed to be.
Praise be to the Living God.

Imagery

2009-07-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

Going along with my previous blog, I have gotten this very clear image over and over again in my head.

What I see is this beautiful, ornate vase. This vase is shiny, with beautiful, fluid designs of blue with cream or even pearl next to it. It has two handles reminiscent of calligraphy.
This amazing vessel falls to the ground and shatters.

On the ground are pieces scattered everywhere. There are tiny pieces that would have to be swept up. There are also incredibly small pieces that can't be seen and more than likely, no trace of them will ever be found again.

As with most fragile items when they break, there are two, relatively large pieces remaining on the ground. These pieces are easily picked up without any "harm" done. In fact, it is so "safe," we just reach right down and grab it.

I grab those two pieces and I clutch them to my chest. I hold on for dear life, willing to even give my life for them. I clutch them also in hopes that it won't be seen by the Owner and Designer of the vase. They are so beautiful, even in their broken form, that I want to embrace them and keep them forever. That is where it stops.

What I hope is that I start to see a continuation of that image. I hope I see the Owner gently opening my arms and hand to reveal what I am clutching above my heart. I hope to see my hands letting go and laying those precious pieces in His. I hope to then see an embrace that I have been longing and searching for my entire life.

I'm Scared

2009-07-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not scared for my life, like I am in some physical danger...I'm scared to give control over my life completely to God.

While praying the other night, I really felt intimate with God. An intimacy far better than any relationship that I have had. I was free. I was seeking God for the only purpose of knowing Him.

Very quickly, I realized what I had done. I had given control over to Him and it scared me! I have so many "dreams" for my life. To be a police officer. To have a beautiful wife and children. To be successful, finally, and to not lack financially. I also have Dreams...to reach the hurting and broken and those all but forgotten by the world.

I have found my self desperately searching for what has, in my past, "filled" the voids in my soul and desperately trying to gain control over my life again. The sad thing is, when I say control, I mean "control." The illusion of control over my life.

All we know as Christians is a formulaic way of relating to God. God, if only You will tell me (if only I can figure out) what I need to do to get "X" out of You. Sounds very straight forward, and sick to even think about, but we do it in almost every prayer.

I spent hours last night seeking Him. I ended up not sleeping at all, tossing and turning all night, and then pissed at God this morning that He didn't bless me with good sleep, after all the hours I spent seeking Him. Even though God was shattering yet another aspect of my life (looking to Him to get something out of Him), I still did it.

When Christ came, He shattered the Old Covenant (10 Commandments). The Old Covenant was "if you are perfect, then you will have the blessings of God, in prosperity, long life, land, a gazillion descendants, etc." No one could do it! Our fathers of old approached God in this way.

Christ came to abolish the Old Law and gave profound Grace and Salvation through the shedding of His blood. This came for free. So why, having the free gift of salvation, do we still look to God as if he owes us for our perfection (Phil 3:9), made through Christ's blood?

"God, I read the Word every morning all week, where is my great job?" "God, I only cursed a few people, but caught myself after, why am I still depressed?" "I have tithed for 15 years, why am I still struggling to pay all of my bills?"

So what about the verse, Psalm 37:4, which states that God will give us "the desires of our heart"? When we accept Christ as our Savior, we ask Him into our heart (Rom 10:9-10). We allow His love to come in and permeate it.

So listen to this, what if, as a Christian, given a new heart and even a new mind (I Cor 2:16), our one and only new desire, is to be intimate with the Father and seek only to know Him? I actually don't think this is a "what if." I think this is the reality.

So, what if by fully knowing God, and fully allowing Him to control my life, means that I don't become a police officer, because it was my dream? What if that means that I stay single, for possibly even the rest of my life, because marriage was my dream? The "what if's" go on and on. That is why I got scared.

Just because I become intimate with God does not mean all issues and problems will go away. You may still be in debt, jobless, have a job but the boss treats you like crap. Even still every one of your dreams may shatter in the presence of Almighty God. Believe me people, it happens and it has happened to me. But out of this "shattering" we can turn and run and blame Him, or we can see those pieces on the ground, lay them at the feet of God, and praise Him for destroying any idol we placed above Him. Out of that, God allows us to know Him like never before.
Is that enough?

I encourage you to read, The Pressures Off, by Larry Crabb. Also, any of his other books, especially, The Safest Place on Earth.